Alright, I have a workaround!
It trades efficiency for effectiveness, but it's being consistent for my edits so far and gets the job done like the suddenly defunct retouch tool. (Apple, put it back!)
Select photo
Enter 'Edit' mode
Choose the 'Crop' tab
Zoom in to the area you want to touch up*
Choose the 'Clean Up' tab
Remove what you need to with the tool
Repeat steps 3-6 until all areas are touched up
Choose the 'Crop' tab
Zoom out to the full image
Why this works:
Although this isn't explicitly an Apple Intelligence tool it is absolutely utilizing AI to identify the contents of the photo as a whole before determining if your action will result in a retouch, a redact, or a safety filter being applied.
*By removing the surrounding context (i.e. zooming in until the "unsafe" imagery is no longer referenced within the frame), the tool can proceed with the intended retouch action.
[Edited by Moderator]